Oh, man. I would love to be able to present myself as a purely noble person with only the most mature and sophisticated interests and desires, but, boobsā¦
At least I know Iām not alone: boobs have got to be the most mainstream feature in adult entertainment and cinema, not to mention, a huge industry unto themselves. Besides, we know from art history that boobs have always been admired.
I wrote about my mom reading Playboy. She was naturally endowed with large breasts. She was quite proud of them. I once joked to my ex that I canāt be sure whether my mom was attracted to the models or just vain in that way.
In my experiences of falling in love with women, I havenāt found myself admiring their breasts or their figures in general. But when Iām just horny, I love tits. And I love them in various shapes and sizes, colors and textures. I love big chocolate pancake nipples and small, soft pink nubs. I love them in motion and I love them on a two-dimensional glossy centerfold.
I love to hold and play with my own damn tits.
I started sneaking peeks at the Playboys around the house when I was, oh, maybe five. It wasnāt much of a leap from having a mom with big boobs to discovering curvy models. The magazines belonged to my grandad and my mom, and later, my stepdad.
My stepdad caught me once, with a Playboy from the stack he left on the computer tower. He didnāt say anything to me, but I wasnāt swift enough to pretend convincingly that I hadnāt just had my nose in the centerfold.
I realize Iām painting quite a dysfunctional picture of my familyā¦ and we are. But no abuse was ever done to me, or any other family member that I know of, for what itās worth. We just like boobs.
My dad has lived in Florida for his entire adult life, and he managed to find a second wife who is the spitting image of my mom. He must have a very strong ātype.ā Iām not like that, myself.
Iāve been attracted to all sorts of women, like a gourmet chocolate box, or a well-appointed bookshelf. Iāve been in love with a smaller selection, but no less varied. Iām pleased about that. I appreciate the surprises that life offers me. I try to accept them graciously. I still donāt have preconceived ideas about what kind of woman (or indeed, person) might be best for me.
I was disappointed that I didnāt inherit my momās curves. When I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome at 12, they told me my breasts probably wouldnāt fully develop. That was hard for me to accept, as a girl who had been looking forward to puberty for a while. Twenty years later, I think Iāve finally come to terms with it. I feel lucky to have the boobs I have, which fluctuate between B and C cups depending on my body weight. Besides, theyāre mine, and Iām used to them.
Because of my adolescent turmoil, boobs became the symbol of self acceptance and self worth (or lack thereof) for me, just as they are for so many people. Those things are agonizingly slow to evolve in a person, but Iāve been noticing my own progress since I turned 30. I went bra-free around that time.
Ah, boobs. Theyāre not just one thing. Theyāre the source of sustenance for an infant; the source of sensuality in bed with a lover or tucked under a blouse; the source of prurient fascination for loads of people, the source of pride or shame for others. They can be a combination of these. There seems to be room for a little of everything over the course of a lifetime.
Thereās a narrative where women object to being objectified for their bodies, and another one where women consciously use their bodies to attract who they want and get what they want. Sure, it is context-dependent. Everyone has an opinion on this.
In the previous incarnation of my Instagram account, erisenparis, I became known for the posts I collected about boobs and my stance on female body censorship (free the nipple). It is patently unfair that tit magazines are legal to buy and look at but women are not allowed to expose their own breasts, even to feed their own children.
Even though I grew up looking at girlie magazines, and I have no problem with them generally, I would prefer to live in a world where women expose and share their bodies with consent and pride and tolerance, rather than being a commodity and shamed into modesty simultaneously.
At the end of the day (literally and figuratively) I always like a titty fix and I think they make the world a better, softer, sweeter place. Donāt try and change my mindā¦
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