Can you not bring up my brother while we’re in bed?

You wonder why people aren’t having the sex they should be having. Sheesh.

Can we not bring the family, the kids, the parental roles, the responsibilities, the stressors into our sex lives? For real, if you’re going to bring that up you better find a way to make it sound damn good. And don’t get mad when I don’t let that stuff stop me.

You’ll probably find a way to manipulate me to make me think I only want what you want, but that doesn’t last long with me. It won’t be long before I want what I fucking want again.

So let’s skip it and get to the feature film.

I don’t know what happened for you, but I was hoping you would encourage me when I was feeling frisky but hesitating to act on it because of how these people were making me feel. I want and deserve to be the kind of woman who acts on her instincts and desires and trusts her own judgement instead of letting people get into her head. We all deserve that. And I feel I’m finally so close. I’m disappointed you don’t want that for me.

I’m not standing in the way of anyone being gay. Full stop. I just feel the way I feel for people regardless of how they feel and I can’t help it. I wish people who call themselves gay would reassess who they love and allow to love them. I think you might be blocking some of the best things life has to offer.

But anyway I would settle for your support in getting what brings me joy when I’m not hurting anyone, literally, anyone. It would mean a lot to me if gay men in particular would be on women’s side because you have no horse in this race.

I understand that not everyone feels the way I feel but I’m really passionate and insane about this.

So what happened for you?

I see. Are you able to slow your roll so we can hear each other, so we can be warm together?

Sometimes I feel like leaning out because of all the things I’m trying to juggle. I want you with me all the time but I still need to be able to breathe and focus on things. It doesn’t help when we’re not getting along on top of everything else.

I asked you what happened for you when we fought because I want to understand you for real. I just need to calm down so I can hear you.

I don’t appreciate when you “suggest” that I change myself. I appreciate being appreciated for who I am and all of my thankless striving.

Once more, and then I really can’t ask another time. What happened for you? What is behind you feeling the need to suddenly switch up and tell me you’re gay instead of being loving toward me? I can tell there is something. You just don’t think I’m being realistic?

That’s not fair. It’s vulnerable to offer someone what can feel like an irrational reasoning for our reactions. Maybe the truth is that even the best of us react sometimes.

I think all those things are valid, but I also just see a whole list of rules meant to be broken.

I can tell there is a connection between sexual arousal and emotional arousal for me. I don’t want to become abusive. I don’t want my fire to get out of my control. But I do want to experience my arousal. I want to explore it and find out what I can do with it. I agree that this is grown-up stuff, but I know that women need it. We should have had the same space as our brothers to develop and many of us didn’t have that.

Maybe you can tell that there is an undercurrent of fear… for me, fear that I will show myself to be some kind of monster or selfish or trashy person or really any of the things my monsters tell me I’m being when I dare to go there.

Fear that my people only like me when I’m behaving a certain way.

Fear that I can’t love myself when nobody else is loving me.

But there is also an undercurrent of almost aggressive joy and relief in finally embracing myself as I am, so I can live for for real. I believe this joy is worth defending with a multiplicity of arms. Haha.

I always think I will do the healing another day. I guess today is that day.

I think we need to have more sex. There’s usually more arguing in a relationship when there’s not enough sexual satisfaction. We argue over things we wouldn’t otherwise care about.